LOVE GURU

My husband is very conservative in his everyday life and in bed. How can I get him to let loose for hotter sex?– (JL, Bangalore)

Usually we think men are the ones who are always trying to encourage their women to be a bit more adventurous. But just as often, it’s women who want to cut loose and are worried about upsetting their husband.

The best place to start? Ask yourself why you think he’s conservative and shy in bed. Is it simply low sexual confidence? Or maybe a lack of sexual experience before meeting you? Is it something more complex, like he got burned in a past relationship and that makes him feel he can’t let go fully? Sometimes understanding why a person is shy and conservative in bed helps to change things for the better.

The next tip is to always heap loads of praise on ashy partner when he even starts something new or a little different. The more praise he gets, the more he’ll think to himself, Ooh, this feels good! I’m being told how amazing I am! So if he begins to touch you in a new place or slightly alter his position, tell him how good it feels!

Next, you can invest in a sex guide and tell him you’d love him to highlight something he might want to try.

Are men hardwired to cheat?– (SS, Delhi)

No, men aren’t hardwired to cheat! Statistics vary, but on average, they find between 30 to 40 percent of people (both men and women) admit to cheating in one relationship at some time in their relationship history. So this includes people that cheated in college, were posted overseas through work, or at some other point in their life — but not necessarily with their present partner.

There are two common profiles of cheaters. The first is insecure people who cheat because even love isn’t enough to boost their confidence. They’re risk-takers and feed off of the adrenaline rush. Then there are those who cheat because they’re bored at home or their partner won’t give them the type of sex they want, so they look elsewhere.

I fantasize about a guy from college even though I’m happily married. Am I a bad wife?– (RV, Ahmedabad)

No, you’re definitely not a bad wife! It’s a natural part of human nature to wonder about the what-ifs and subconsciously create scenarios out in your sleep.

Just make sure it doesn’t snowball into an obsession, like fantasizing about him during waking hours. Or letting it make you resent your husband, thinking you didn’t play the field enough before getting married. If so, ask yourself why you have a sense that the grass might have been greener if you’d taken things further with this guy.

You should also look to rekindle some of the spark with your husband. Focus all of your energies on him and your relationship so that you can keep your fantasies in perspective. Call your husband up to say something loving and sexy. It’s the little things that can correct the balance. Also get real: Remind yourself that this “dream guy” does have flaws in real life and chances are you weren’t compatible. There’s a big reason why you and your husband made it to the altar, and you and your crush didn’t. There’s nothing like a little reality check to turn a fantasy on its head.

Hi there, My fiancée is accepting gifts from other men and she thinks it’s ok. What do you think?– (AK, Delhi)

It all depends on exactly why she’s accepting these gifts to be honest Bill, but from what you’ve said these are obviously gifts coming from men who are trying to get her attention. To be blunt your fiancée is just playing games with these other guys, but she’s also playing games with you too.

Your fiancée think it’s okay to do this because she’s probably behaved this way her entire life. Did you give her a lot of gifts while you were dating, or did she demand them from you but never got them, for example? You see there are certain types of people who can only feel truly whole when they’re surrounded by material possessions, so your fiancée is probably accepting these gifts to give her comfort and security, even though you’re probably already providing her with both of these life requirements.

From an outsider’s point of view I would agree with you that your fiancée shouldn’t be accepting gifts from other men for a variety of reasons, but the main ones being that it’s wrong to lead other men on by doing it, and it’s equally wrong to cause you emotional hurt by doing this.

Have you asked her why she accepts these gifts, and whether she thinks it’s the right or wrong thing to do? I think they’re important questions to start with. A little bit of role reversal might help here i.e. “How would you feel if women were giving me gifts all the time?” – see how she responds to that.

Let me know what her answer is.

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